I Cannot. aka Life Lately..

 
(Forgive the obvious glaring mistakes, but I wrote this in one go, no edits). Yeah that happens sometimes..

I cannot write because I have not been reading enough.
And I cannot read well because the days have been filled with all kinds of, inanities and the not so important, some well-intentioned, some deliberate choices to plunge myself into the busy-ness, simply so I do not have to pause.

Pause means thinking.
And dwelling.
And pondering.

The chaotic mass and jumble of thoughts and words.
Silence is deafening.

And all roads seem to be leading toward Rome.
All roads that wind and unwind in my brain.
Leading to the inevitable.

What the hell am I doing?
Is this worth it?
How much is too much?
What can I do to stop the voices?
What will it take?
Do I hold steady?
Will this be worth it?
Am I worth it?
Am I dead?
Is this life?

So many questions.

Pain creeps in.
Stealthily across my bones.
A nagging piercing on the left sole.
In the tightness around my chest and this space between my eyes.

I sleep late.
And wake early.
Well semi early anyway.
A good night would be 6 and a half hours of sleep.

But in the midst of slumber and the hum of the AC I turn, tossing the thoughts that awaken me.
It is getting better these days.

The monsters don’t claw me in.
It is a good day, night, when I can wake myself back from the other world.

So onwards.
And upwards.
On to another day, even though I cannot bring myself to wake.

Sweet slumber.
For that day when I can.

For now.
I drift.
Somewhere between.
The deepening shadows on the wall.
And the haunting echoes that whisper.
Somewhere between the 3 ams and late sunny afternoons.

Sweet slumber.
When I can rest.

For the night
And early morn.

Someday
Soon,